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| Otherwise known as Homer Simpson |
Mazda recommends changing the oil between 3,000 and 7,000 miles. The dealership recommended I split the difference and shoot for 5,000. As I was estimating this whole trip be be about 7,000 miles, I was hoping to go the whole way without another visit to another automobile establishment. But, after the tire trauma in Austin and the tire salesman's warning that all my tires could blow at any second, I decided I'd stop in if I stumbled upon a place.
It turned out that my hotel in Sevierville was directly next door to an oil changing place and car wash -- two services I was hoping to take advantage of. They took the car off my hands for about an hour and returned it newly oiled, clean, and ready to go. (And I have to say that it was the best car wash my mini-driver has ever had. They even opened the doors to clean along the sills and dried each nook and cranny by hand!)
The woman at the counter went over the summary with me and when I asked, she was happy to point this out:
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| 16. Tire Condition: Good |
With the comforting news that my tires were going to keep carrying me safely to my destination, I set my sails for the golden arches. I'd overheard at the front desk yesterday that a purchase at McDonald's included a discount on tickets at Dollywood.
When I arrived, I was on the lookout for exactly what purchase would grant me the discount and I finally spotted it on the large drink cups. The dining room was packed with families ordering huge amounts of food and the woman at the register seemed confused when I only wanted a large drink cup, please.
Cup in hand, I drove to the theme park. Along the way, I passed tons of other "attractions" including a wax museum, an enormous replica of the Titanic, and the Hatfield and McCoy dinner theater.
When I arrived at the park, minus the cost of the soda, I saved myself $2.93 on the cost of admission!
I walked in to the park not knowing quite what to expect.
Quickly, I discovered the answer was hospitality!
I had taken note that the woman who sold me my ticket was a grandmotherly type. Once I started looking around, I realized that the park is full of them.
(Mom, now you have an alternative to being a greeter at Wal-Mart!)
This particular grandma was working at the bakery near the entrance. I decided to stop there first and fuel up for my day. I expecting pastries and sweets, but I was not expecting the pastries and sweets to consistently be larger than my head.
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| This slice of pie is on a dinner plate |
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| This whole pie could feed Canada (I probably could barely get my arms around it) |
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| These bricks of krispy treats could do some serious damage if dropped on your foot |
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| And there is no trick of perception here, one danish could probably feed all of Denmark |
On the course of my travels, I have Buzzfeed to thank for recommending the crazy good crepe shop in Beverly Hills and the Watermelon Thump in Luling, TX. I was also tickled to happen upon the DOs and DON'Ts of Dollywood (and while they sometimes post articles by advertisers, the authors swear this isn't one of them).
Among the DOs and DON'Ts, I did some and did not do others (don't do what Donny Don't does?), but mostly kept to the recommended course of action.
I DID NOT buy anything at Dolly's Closet, but I was tempted by this strapless dress.
When I stopped by one of the gift kiosks for some souvenirs, the grandma there noticed I wasn't from these parts and asked where I was from. It turns out I've traveled so far from home that Portland seems right next door Spokane (her sister lives there). Eh, they're both the Pacific Northwest.
She wanted to make sure I saw the best the park had to offer and got me a show schedule, circling all the ones she recommended. Most of the shows run multiple times a day (usually 1.5 to 2 hours apart) and I made a plan to see almost all of the ones Grandma had circled.
My first stop was Country Crossroads: "A cast of six singers performs high-energy country music, contemporary and classic, in this hit-filled show that celebrates singers and songs that hold tightly to their country roots."
They were all super peppy and authentically Southern -- they gave their pedigrees at the end. They sang country songs, from Patsy Cline to Taylor Swift and told us the history of country music's evolution.
I swear, I have not seen young folks this excited on stage since my last middle school assembly!
After that was Dolly's Family Reunion: "Dolly's family performs the music of the mountains, country music about families and songs written and recorded by their most famous family member, Dolly Parton."
From left to right below: Uncle Bill, Niece Heidi Lou, Cousin Debbie Jo, and Cousin Dwight.
Uncle Bill is credited as the man who made Dolly's career by recognizing her gift for music and teaching her how to play the guitar. He then took her to nearby Knoxville and got her started in the music business at just ten years old.
He also reminded me of this old song, that's new to me, and includes an oddly shoehorned reference to an Uncle Bill. (Although I'm fairly sure it's not the same one, as Dolly's uncle looks like a guy who knows the joys of kite flying.)
Next, I went to a show I was really looking forward to, Chris Perondi's Stunt Dog Experience: "Man's best friend takes center stage at this brand new show performing incredible jumps, tricks, and stunts seen on Oprah, Nickelodeon, and Animal Planet!"
That's a guy balancing a pup on one hand.
They then split up the audience into the red team and the blue team (I was team blue) and assigned us a dog to root for as they took turns jumping over an increasingly rising bar.
(But we all know that if she was in the competition, Metsli would take home the gold!)
The pooches tied for the highest jump at 58 inches. The above picture is their jump at 56 inches.
This is a dog jumping rope:
And this was the grand finale. The doggie to the left is balancing on her back legs, the doggie to the right is balancing on her fore legs!
Lastly, I went to the Gazillion Bubble Show: "This show takes the stage in an interactive bubble world filled with lasers, spectacular lighting effects, and jaw-dropping masterpieces of bubble artistry."
Move over Tom Noddy, and make room for Ana Yang the "world's greatest female bubble artist!" (She currently holds the world record for fitting 26 people into a bubble.)
And I have good news! We no longer have to worry about our favorite bubble artists getting lung cancer in the name of cool bubble smoke tricks. They now use stage smoke collected in a tube and then blown into the bubbles.
This is a picture of one of my favorite bubble tricks. She blows the smoke into a large bubbles and then creates a hole in it, gradually allowing the smoke to escape.
After putting a couple of audience members into a bubble, she brought a young girl onstage to tell her the story of her niece who had never seen snow. She asked us to close our eyes and when we opened them, it was snowing bubbles.
She continued the imagery into the ocean and we were treated to a laser light show that could rival the Pacific Science Center Laser Dome's Laser Michael Jackson.
Below are some more of her works of bubble that may or may not have been included in the show:
My next stop was Chasing Rainbow - The Dolly Parton Story: "Dolly's museum is filled with the thousands of memories that mark the life and career of this successful singer, songwriter, actress, and businesswoman."
Now, Dolly is known for having these significant attributes . . . plus a couple more. But, I'm not sure you understand how significant these attributes are (and how tiny her waist is)!
An early picture of Ms. Parton:
There was quite a bit of space dedicated to Dolly's awards.
And again, I was struck by the sincerity of it all:
Lastly, we learned that although she says she barely passed high school, she was awarded an honorary doctorate by the University of Tennessee:
When exiting the museum, we were given the opportunity to tour Dolly's old tour bus. According to the link above, it was a definite DO. So, I stood in line for about half an hour as a handful of people at a time were taken aboard to walk through.
While we waited, we read this sign which gave statistics about the bus. Maybe I should have traveled the country in a tour bus because, despite getting seven miles to the gallon, this vehicle could drive from Tennessee to California without refueling. The sign also states that no driver has ever received a speeding ticket or any other moving violation.
The line moved faster because several people gave up on the wait. "You're just going to see her old hairbrush."
Here is her old hairbrush:
I also stopped by the authentic replica of Dolly's old two-room home where she, her parents, and her nine siblings grew up:
A few other sights I saw along the way.
My last stop was the Southern Gospel Music Association Hall of Fame and Museum, a non-profit organization that shares space with, but is not owned by Dollywood.
One of the first displays was an animatronic choir singing old gospel hymns. It beat the pants of Disney's Hall of Presidents!
In a dark corner in the back, there were several boxes of records for sale. I thumbed through them and was about to leave before remembering that my cousin has started collecting old records. I called him and asked if he would like a genuine from Tennessee gospel record. He told me to pick out two that looked good.
I warned him that I was going to find the two with the most amusing covers. (Could anyone get a record in those days?)
Those are not the records I got, but I haven't given him the records yet so I didn't want to spoil the surprise.
The gift shop on the way out had this marvelous juxtaposition:
And a saleswoman who clearly earns her salary (although I think she's a volunteer).
You must pass through the official Dollywood giftshop on the way out. That is where I spotted the truest magnet statement I have ever read:
I also saw some products I'm pretty sure they don't stock at Disneyland. Ah, Tennessee!
With my magnet in hand (but sans rifle) I queued up to get on one of the trams that would take me back to my car.
The hospitality continued when the tram driver explained that should we find that we'd locked our keys in the car or that our battery was dead (or that we had a flat tire), they would be happy to help us out, unlocking or jumping our car free of charge.
Fortunately, my keys were in my hand, my battery was charged, and my tires were fully inflated.
I realize that I'm a bit of a paradox: I've worked at a reproductive health center and a grown-up very good shop, but Dollywood really is my happy place. I loved it!
I mean, how can you not love a place that bids goodbye to you like this:
Tomorrow, I'm back to being a Yankee.
Odometer Start: 40205
Odometer End: 40467
Miles Driven Today: 262
Miles Driven Total: 6629
Today In/Around: Sevierville, TN and Roanoke, VA
Tomorrow: Washington DC
States Visited: 15 (Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Virginia)
Dolly's Measurements (More or Less):
Dolly's Height: 5'0"
Dolly's Top: 40"
Dolly's Middle: 20"
Dolly's Bottom: 36"
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