Day 8 - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Wait, let me fix that for you . . .

That's better. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

On Thursday I packed up and left my hotel with the useless faucet and prepared to for my left turn across the bottom of the country.

Why?

On Thursday, Walk Off the Earth posted this tweet about the hotel they're staying at. I wondered for a moment if it was the same hotel I was at, and then remembered that my hotel is actually a motel and likely only for the very budget minded travelers. 

As I was printing out my itinerary from the office computer, I recognized the people coming down the stairs. It was the second band from the night before, Avalanche City.

As I got into my car, I complimented them on a good show last night. Their van was parked next to my car and they loaded up their luggage and equipment while I put on my makeup and programmed my GPS.

Only later did I realize why they seemed slightly startled when I spoke to them -- how often could they possibly be recognized and complimented while leaving a hotel? How many people plan their travels around a concert and then leave the next day? 

After getting back on the road and popping in my new CD, I spent a good deal of time behind a double-decker cow trailer. Every once in a while a cow would peek out from that hole at the top.

Mooooove on down the road

And that was about the most interesting part of the drive . . . being looked at by a cow. 

Other than that the road was pretty darn flat and the landscape pretty darn brown and dusty.

Yup, that's pretty much it

My journey across has just begun and I'm already tired of it. Why can't the whole country be coastline?

Exit 23: Zzyzx Road

See? Even the road namers have given up!

Back in the Bay Area, I was warned that Las Vegas would be around 104 degrees this weekend, but when I checked my weather app it predicted temperatures in the 80s. 

I didn't notice whatever it was outside as I was comfortably in air conditioning. 

When rolled onto the Strip, I checked the outside temperature out of curiosity. Wouldn't you know it, 104 exactly. I didn't want to get out of the car. 

When I did get out of the car, I walked the long way to the elevators and down to what I hoped would be check-in for the hotel. Instead, it was a corridor advertising attractions (like in the airport) and then tons of shops (like in the airport). I kept walking and found myself in a casino. No signs for anything hotel-like anywhere and no one I could see with luggage. I called my dad who reminded me that the whole city is designed to keep visitors slightly off balance.

Eventually I found the registration desk, about as far as you can get from where I began. Then I was sent all the way to the other end of the casino to find the elevators.

The room itself is nice.

And the bathroom faucet is sensical

I was also greeted with this helpful sign, reminding me that it's moth season:

So best to keep your windows closed

My intention was to have the single girl's safe trip to Vegas, which for me means shows more than clubs and food more than gambling.

After settling in a bit, redistributing my valuables, and hiding a room key in my bra, I set out for the ticket counter to see what shows were available.

My plans were to see a Cirque du Soliel show and something else Vegas-y. Ideally, I wanted to see Zumanity (as it sounded like it would combine the best of circus and showgirl-ery) and Terry Fator's show (as it involves ventriloquism -- very Vegas-y -- and was recommended by my hosts in San Carlos). And those exact shows were available for about the monthly payment on a Prius. As this was shaping up to be my first and last trip to Las Vegas, I bit the bullet and bought the tickets.

As I had about half an hour to get to the theater for Terry Fator at the Mirage and the ticket person said it would take me about twenty minutes on foot, I headed out into the blazing heat.

I assumed I was at the front of the hotel heading in the right direction, but I quickly figured out I was wrong -- but not so quickly as I would have liked. I took out my GPS and it directed me to a closed off road that wouldn't let me through.

The Mirage was certainly living up to its name.

Eventually, I stopped at the first hotel I came to and got directions. It turns out I had exited from the back of the hotel and the right turn I confirmed with the ticket seller should have been a left.

I was late to pick up my ticket, but still had plenty of time before the show. I hadn't taken advantage of the CA hotel's continental breakfast nor had I stopped for lunch along the way. As I wasn't sure about the rules regarding food and drink in the theater, I bought a bottled juice drink from a nearby cafe. That's when I learned that everything in Vegas costs money, lots and lots of money.

The seat was pretty fantastic, five rows back on the aisle of the middle section. I had never seen Terry Fator perform at all, but understood that he got this gig by winning the first season of America's Got Talent in 2007 and a quick scan of reviews showed only thumbs up.

That's Winston the Impersonating Turtle

The show is truly quintessential Vegas. It's flashy and schmaltzy with a lot of bad jokes (the majority centering around gender stereotypes) thrown in. But, his singing really is impressive. This particular show is centered around singing and each of his puppets came out (a dozen or so) to talk with Terry and give his or her rendition of an oldie or a newie (although nothing too new). It was an enjoyable enough show until the two times he decided to get serious with the audience. The first time, he put the puppet away, the stage went dark, and a single spotlight shown on the stool Terry moved to the front. 

He told us the story of a 4-year-old boy who had come with his family to see Terry's show. But, you see, this boy was there because of the Make a Wish foundation. This boy had cancer.

Everyone gave the appropriate sympathy noises.

He went on to say that he tried to give the kid the best show of his life, but there's only one thing he wished he'd done that he didn't. Before winning the contest and moving to Las Vegas, Terry toured the country and sang a song he'd written all by himself, by himself and not through the mouth of a puppet. He says audiences loved it, but when he came to Vegas, his consultants recommended he remove it from the show (that audiences wouldn't "get it") and he did. 

Terry said he wished more than anything that he'd sung the song that night for the little boy, because his parents called several weeks later to let him know that the boy had died and he thought this song could have brought comfort to the family.

He then proceeded to sing what has to be the sappiest most syrupy sweet song I have ever heard. 

Please don't get me wrong. It's sad that the boy died, but I'm not sure this song does anything but distract from reality in a ridiculously false and overly sentimental way.

The song is called "Horses in Heaven" which I thought was the schmaltzyist title I'd ever heard until my dad suggested "I Have 20 Minutes to Live and I Haven't Told My Mom Yet".

His other departure from hilarity was when he took the time to thank the troops. I'm all for thanking the troops, but again he pulled out an empty tear-yanker. 

Over the recorded voices of wives and children wondering where their loved ones are, he sang about a little boy on the phone with his daddy overseas. He asks his father when he'll be coming home and -- I predicted this chorus a mile away -- his father replies "Son, I'm already there." And goes on to list that he's in the sunshine and the grass and blah, blah, blah. There's no need for this at a comedy show.

My objection is that these two attempts at sincerity felt far more forced than genuine. But I guess, such is Las Vegas.

Afterward, I had a slightly shorter walk home. It was still quite warm and at 10:00 at night there were still plenty of strollers being pushed up and down the Strip. 

I looked around me . . .

. . . and thought . . .

. . . this is REALLY not my city. 

I returned to my hotel as quickly as possible and on the way passed this little gem:

Which, of course, will always make me think of this:

SPIKE
Mitch Hedberg - Observations
www.spike.com
Spike Full Episodes Spike Video Clips Spike on Facebook

Come on, I have this t-shirt:

Sorry for the convenience

I think Mitch would have liked Las Vegas.

Friday, more of the same out there, but I'm likely going to stay in my room and try not to spend money.


Odometer Start: 35552
Odometer End: 35822
Miles Driven Today: 270
Miles Driven Total: 2002
Today In/Around: Las Vegas, NV
Tomorrow: Las Vegas, NV again
States Visited: 4 (Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada)
Times I'd Like to Come Back: 0
Times I've Worn My Glasses into the Shower: 2